I was happy.
Smiling and joking.
Happy with life, ready to start new.
But then it crawled back in.
Like a monster in a nightmare slowly dragging me down.
It’s here worse then it has ever been.
A bottomless chasm of emptiness.
People reaching out to save me.
Slowly one by one they leave.
They always do.
It creeps slowly around your spine.
Slowly it makes its way through your body, and seems to eat you alive.
Once happy, you now are hollow and empty.
Ready smile, gone.
Forgetting what it means to live.
Simply moving forward.
Not caring, barely living.
Tears dried up with silent sobs.
Will it ever go away?
You lost it so easily.
You held my secrets in the palm of your hand.
I trusted you.
Or so I thought.
You spread things out and rumors burned like an uncontrollable wildfire.
I lost everything because of you.
And now you’re back.
You want to be friends again.
I never responded.
Because last time I trusted you, you abused me.
You laughed at me.
The way I spoke.
The songs I sang.
The way I read.
I’m not the same anymore.
I don’t speak as much as before.
I never sing.
I barely read.
So thank you.
For ruining the things I loved.
And thank you for betraying my trust.
Because now I hardly trust anyone.
He’s got big blue eyes that sparkle when he laughs.
His teasing voice cracks a stupid joke.
The crease in his forehead when he asks if I’m okay.
A lump forms in my throat at his question.
How could he love a broken girl?
Besides I’m just a friend.
Someone he sits near in almost every class.
Someone to discuss homework with.
And do partner work together.
Maybe one day.
Maybe he’ll see me in another light.
It’s been six years.
It’s been six years of sitting beside you.
Maybe one day you’ll notice me.
Someone told me the other day.
I was sat sobbing curled in a worn blue velvet chair.
This was my third time in his office.
A counselor, was I really that messed up.
You don’t look as happy as you used to.
He spoke carefully and calmly.
Stop making others happy.
You’re ruining yourself.
Would that make others happy if they saw what you where doing?
Not little miss perfect, in front of your parents.
Be the person you want to be now.
Say what you want.
Because I know you are strong.
These were the words I needed to hear.
The bell rang.
I spoke my mind.
I was shot down.
I was told it was my fault.
I was yelled at.
The next day I was back in the blue velvet chair.
People scare me.
Don’t raise your voice or threaten me.
It will ruin me.
I will sit sobbing on the floor.
Thinking I’m not good enough or I don’t belong.
It ruins me from the inside.
It eats away at me and makes me question life.
I will fear you and flinch as soon as you raise your hand.
Even though you won’t hit me, I’m afraid you will.
I used my words once, let my voice out.
Received a slap though.
Was told not to talk back.
I was ruined.
People scare me.
Well this is the start.
And it’s not a very good one.
I’m not exactly sure how this whole thing works but I thought I’d give this thing a try.
Let me introduce myself to you.
I am a blonde hair blue eyed girl in a small town of people who look exactly like me.
I thought I would start this as a way to tell you of the weird stories and awkward situations that always seem to come my way.
So buckle up and enjoy the ride.
All the love in the world,